Offaly; County Ireland:
The Taoiseach Mr. Brian Cowen assaulted a pregnant woman Tuesday at the opening ceremony of the new €300,000,000 Anglo-Irish Headquarters that doubles as an exclusive Automotive Health Spa for storing Bentleys and Maybachs in hermetically sealed chambers with ambient temperatures and piped music played live 24 hours a day by the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra via holistic satellite feed.
Before cutting the ribbon Mr. Cowen turned to reporters, calmly raised his two fingers to the cameras, announcing “Jesus was a queer!” before turning and delivering the devastating blow to Nora Ryans stomach. As she collapsed to the ground, there was a general shuffling of feet and embarrassed smiles all round from the gathered crowd before the small patter of clapping and murmurs of “good man yerself” could be heard. Mr Cowen looked perplexed at the reaction and shaking his head in disgust walked to his waiting car to continue on his tour of his home constituency; but not before excusing himself by spitting in the mayors face.
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Mr Cowen moments after delivering the near fatal
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Ms. Ryan, a single mother of three, is said to be in stable condition following the scare and is reported to be making a full recovery.
This latest stunt comes in the wake of a series of embarrassing PR hiccups that have left Mr.Cowens spin doctors clamouring to pick up the pieces; while their Lord and Master seems intent on consigning his final days as the supreme leader of this wreck of a nation to oblivion.
But this isn't how Mr. Cowen sees it.
In a revealing interview on RTE's Prime Time last week the Taoiseach alluded to his seeming infallibility in the eyes of the Irish public. “I don't know what I have to do to get my sorry arse kicked out of this office and consigned to history. I'm at my fuckin wits end.” he blubbed. “No matter how much this government under
my leadership fucks things up we are still allowed to remain in office without a fucking clue what to do about it all.” “If this was
any other civilized fucking country the public would be up in fucking arms, literally, storming the Bastille so to speak, but no, not here in Ireland, yiz all just sit there in your homes spitting bile at the TV and then doing fuck all about it, ya gobshites.” he said, motioning to the camera with the international hand sign for
wanker.
Questioned on whether he thought his government had responded appropriately to the economic meltdown that they had allowed to happen in the first place, Mr. Cowen had only this to say:
“Lookit, I mean, besides the fact that my governments policies and our inaction in dealing with corrupt financial institutions have brought this country to its knees, and that not even one person has been made accountable for the actions that brought us here, or that there is even a notion of a plan that doesn't involve us raping the taxpayer and then drugging them just to re-rape them?
“Of
course we haven't responded appropriately! We're a bunch of fuckin morons!! Don't you get it?”
“But you know what? Come Monday morning I'll be strolling back into work without a care in the world, because I know the Irish public are going to do fuck all about it. I can literally say and do anything I want!”
“Yiz cunts.”
Mr Cowens itinerary for the month of October is as follows:
October 9th: Stephens Green, Dublin: Mr Cowen plans to defecate on a copy of the Koran in front of an audience of press photographers and foreign dignitaries and then proceed to draw insulting images of the Prophet Muhammed using his fecal matter.
October 16th: City Hall, Dublin: In an attempt to address the homeless situation Mr. Cowen plans on dowsing a homeless person in petrol and setting them on fire before publicly urinating on their burnt, twisted carcass.
Date to be decided: Using nothing more than a phone book and a high powered assault rifle Mr Cowen plans on killing 24 random Irish citizens in a 24 hour time period unless his demands are met.
October 22nd:Dublin Castle: Award Sean Fitzpatrick the Keys to the City of Dublin in a ceremony honouring all persons involved in the banking crisis and development scandals for their “bravery in the face of adversity”.
Date to be decided: Bomb a hospital.
October 31st: Halloween: Out trick-or-treating with the Len and the boys armed with rotten eggs and stink bombs.
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